gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
