You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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