he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
