not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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