they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
