Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
