I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
