Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Your penis caused this!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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