i just wanna soil my oats bro
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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