Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
