just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
