I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
