Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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