the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
