A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?