Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.