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Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
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