I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.