I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
