Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high