It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
