I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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