I'm so fucking centered right now
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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