Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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