Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
