Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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