i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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