My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
