Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
