I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
