he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My bed smells like the plague
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize