i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
