remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
