he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
