When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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