I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
