Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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