party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
