ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
