My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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