Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dicks are not precious.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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