I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
