tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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