You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
