I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
