High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
