its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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