The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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