I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
