I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
