you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
