Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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