Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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