She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
