the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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