my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
