I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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