you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
