I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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